It's been 14 years since you left us, although it feels like just a day ago. Oh how I miss those bakkie rides all over the farm and the cows chasing you round the bakkie and how you taught us everything you knew about farming yet we couldn't understand it but nodded in amazement and excitement that oneday this would be ours to enjoy with our children. How I miss sitting in your lap listening to your stories and how I miss you talking to me in german, (mine kinde) and how I miss the goodnight kiss after you tucked me into my big bed. If only we knew what was going to happen, that our dreams and excitement would be shattered by your absence, by your mistakes. I will never forget the last time I saw you, that image will stay in my mind forever. Looking back, it hurts so much to have seen you like that, so helpless like a new born child. Its excruciating that I remember you like that. I do not blame you for some of the choices that you made, but I cannot judge you, i do not have that right as I was a mere child of 5, how was I to understand the concept of family feud and pressure?
At times you feel so far away, as though you have left my heart and forgotten about me and I about you, it saddens me greatly that you are not here in flesh to share my life with you. How I long for a father in flesh to touch, to hold onto and to feel the warmth and comfort in your arms. How I long to hear the words, I love you and to see the actions of your love. There are days when I hate you for leaving me but I soon understand that it is/ws God's will and that there is a purpose for it however hard that may be to understand and live with. I get so jealous of my friends who have such awesome dads and who boast about them, but they are entitled to, I would to.
I know mom misses you very much as do all of us. But it must sadden you too to see how things have become, how they have turned into sour grapes, how your family is so divided and always fighting. Im sorry, it souldn't be that way, we are trying to make things right but it's not easy. i have so many questions to ask you, so many things I am uncertain about, whether truth has been spoken or if I have been told nothing but lies about you and who you were as a father, husband and brother.
I hope that we (boetie and I) have made you proud and that you have not been dissapointed or angry with us for the choices we have made.
I miss you more then any words can describe. I pray that you will be by my side always and that I never forget you and you never forget me.
xxx
2 comments:
Dear my precious Ash
I know the exact pain that you feel. I lost my sister at the exact same age you lost your dad....a young, tender, innocent and unsuspecting age of 5. Why so young we ask....why couldn't we have had more time to spend with our loved ones? Only God knows that answer.
But we must rejoice in the fact that they with Jesus....sometimes i'm even jealous of my sister because she is in heaven....and i'm in hell (earth!) I wish i could see hey...remember her. I only have a few memories of her....a few good memories. Its been so long now...the images of her are becoming faint....i pray that i will never forget them....they are all i can hold on to.
I can imagine your moms pain...for i know my parents pain....the silent suffering of two distraught, shattered and broken people....broken for ever in their eyes....never ever the same! I pray that one day they will come to terms with their loss and understand God's divine plan.
Keep strong strawberry
Gary
thank you for sharing..
both of you..
you are awesome..
my prayers are with you both..
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